my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
