thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
