6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
