i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
