She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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