My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
