His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
