Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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