Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
