Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
