Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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