my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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