I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
