how can u be prego again
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
