dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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