Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
