forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Randomize
