My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I only lived at night.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
