I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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