her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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