i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You can't just leave with hair like that
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize