We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
