Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
