i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
