I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
