Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
