note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We had sex on a dog bed..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
