Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
