my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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