She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
