It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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