Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
