I can't watch pbs sober anymore
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize