k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
