Your face is a jimmy john
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
