here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
