Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
