I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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