it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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