My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
