i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
