I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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