The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
