he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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