Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
