He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
