i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
me + whiskey = a bad person
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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