I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
