The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
