Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
