I cannot find my penis.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
