i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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