he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
