oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
