She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
