Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
