I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
