No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize