You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
