I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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