Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
