i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
