I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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