Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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