I forgot how hot balto sounded
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
