they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
