I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
