The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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